I Love My Body, But I Hate My Reflection.

Dec 14, 2024

I hate to toot my horn, but I am a very successful content creator. But before you think about kidnapping me for ransom, note that I’m not rich—at least not financially.

After interning at a legacy magazine, I realized that no one with my background or who looked like me—fat and wearing Payless ShoeSource flats—would be hired. I realized I had to go above and beyond to achieve my dreams. I dreamt of being the fat Carrie Bradshaw and knew that I had to find a way to stand out. Starting a fashion blog where I could share my outfits would be a great way to start.

I already ran an unsuccessful fashion blog and knew it would be useful someday. Prior to launching it, I had never taken a full-body photo. Though my blog only received an average of ten monthly visits, it helped me become comfortable in front of the camera and allowed me to be seen.

Like many fat people, I was the queen of the Myspace angles—just face and not a body in sight. Yet, as much as I tried to hide that I was fat– people were constantly trying to sabotage me.

Photos that showed the actual size of my body were floating around the internet and were out of my control. The main perpetrator of leaking pictures of my fat body came from my biggest opp– my dad. He loved taking family pics and posting them on Facebook and had the nerve to tag me. I couldn’t complain because it was “for memories.” However, I was much more innovative and resourceful. I found different ways to hide my fat body. I would stand behind someone shorter than me, hide half of my body with whoever was next to me or pull the classic move of placing a pillow in front of my belly– a staple prop in fat culture.

At first, this felt like living a double life. The blog freed me from the shackles of hiding my fatness. It was challenging, though. The first time I took a photo of my outfit and posted it, I couldn't sleep. It was scarier than coming out. Posting my photo was admitting to the world that I was fat, and even worse, I thought of myself worthy of being perceived.

Being fat eventually became what would make me stand out. It gave me everything I thought being skinny would do for me. I shot an international commercial with Dove, have been featured in various magazines, and have been interviewed on the Tamron Hall show. You can even see me on a Netflix show if you pause at the right second. Humble brag, but the list goes on.

Taking outfit photos helped me explore my style and find my self-worth. It allowed me to see my beauty now—not when I would magically lose 50 pounds. I had to combat what society and relatives had said about me; the photos allowed me to redefine what I thought was beautiful and how I saw myself. I learned to see myself beyond the roundness of my belly, which was my biggest accomplishment yet.

It took years to see myself in photos. The process was slow. At first, I taught myself not to fear my body; then, I learned to appreciate and even like it. The slow build-up became a loving obsession with my body and appearance. I now felt proud of who I was. Loving my body manifested in ways I didn’t expect or realize were holding me back.

My biggest fears started to diminish. I began to do the yearly doctor visits I avoided before. I knew the risk of being humiliated for my size was still there. However, there was a huge difference; I felt comfortable with myself, and medical advice became less of an attack on my identity and more about what my body needed. I stood up for myself when the comments from medical professionals became insults. I was a great advocate for my body, and I trusted my instincts. I realized that you can not hate your body into care. No one takes care of things they hate.

Years later, I realized I did it! I became body-positive. I graduated in fat acceptance with a minor in glorifying obesity.

Then, one day, as I walked through the mirror and saw my profile, I did a double take. That’s what I look like from the side? Who is she? And just like that, my body positivity went down the drain.

I had fallen in love with the 2D version of myself. I idolized a body that didn’t exist, and I couldn't comprehend how big my body looked from the side. Being body-positive wasn't easy anymore. I learned to like a body that didn’t exist. I liked the made-up version of myself that knows how to pose to seem taller and look flattering. (Though we all know flattering is code for thinner.) I felt like a phony and fell back a few levels in Bopo.

Disclaimer: Don’t worry, reader. You can never entirely return to hating your body as you did when you started the journey. It’s like learning to read; there will be words that you never stop discovering, but you never have to relearn to read.

The panic set in, and I gradually applied the lessons I had learned at the beginning of my journey.

When I consciously decided not to hate my body and embarked on a journey of accepting it, I needed to feel, hear, and think that I was pretty. Those compliments worked as stepping stones that helped pull me out of the proverbial body-hating hole. Now, I realize that beauty is a mere layer of genuine body positivity and that those compliments on my appearance only scratched the surface of my journey.

Could I accept and be okay with who I was as a person? Could I like myself in good photos and bad ones? Could I advocate for a body I no longer saw as beautiful?

Maybe.

I want to.

The journey to body acceptance, body positivity, self-love, or whatever you call it, is a lifelong and never-ending process. Relatives, TV shows, movies, ads, books, music, neighbors, and everything surrounding says being fat or disliking your body is right. Most don’t even notice they are doing it because it has become a staple of communicating and thinking. But, when you learn to see the discrimination toward fatness, you can’t unsee it. You’re also unlearning beliefs you were raised on and that everyone else still believes in. So yes, this journey is never-ending but life-changing.

Now that the holidays are here, I want to share a classic one that plays in most Ecuadorean homes during Christmas. Enjoy!